Murphy’s Top Ten Laws of Veterinary Medicine
Medical Secrets Medical School Deems Unscientific
Doc Truli has determined there are secret Laws of the Universe governing health and medicine. Here are a few for your edification.
- If you have the lab results on a Friday night, you will not need to go to the pet E.R. If you do not have them in hand, your pet will need to go to the E.R.
- Never end a prescription on a Saturday night. The pet will relapse when all the vet offices are closed. If the pet has the medicine, everything will be perfect.
- There is a secret agreement among all pets. They know when a long holiday weekend is coming up and get sick just then.
- If your pet vomits and you decide to buy all the medication the vet recommends, your pet will get better like nothing happened and make you feel like you wasted your money. If you skip the meds, figuring the white rice will work, your pet will vomit all night until intravenous fluids and a $1,000 vet bill become mandatory to save your pet’s life.
- If you say “no” to annual, routine bloodwork to check for hidden disease in your pet, your pet will get sick the next week, making you feel guiltier than anything before in your life.
- If you say “yes” to the annual screening lab work (in pets 7 and older, 30% chance of an abnormality on routine lab tests in a healthy-looking animal), your pet will also get rip-roaring sick in the next week. But at least you will know it’s a new problem and you won’t feel guilty. So, does preventative medicine prevent disease, or does preventative medicine just prevent guilt?
- All coughs and limps disappear at the animal hospital.
- Your unspayed female dog will come down with a life-threatening pyometra infection 1 week before you finally scheduled the spay procedure to try to avoid pyometra!
- Female dogs and cats do not go through menopause. Just when you think babies are impossible, bam! A litter!
- A corollary to #9, no, the puppies and kittens do not “just know” that they shouldn’t mate with their own brother or sister. And they will get to that task as young as 6 months of age!
Hope these Murphy’s Laws of Pet Medicine help you laugh, and maybe understand how to avoid catastrophe and emergency rooms.